@Cherbearxo: I promised my trainer that I'd set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there's a lunar eclipse I work out.
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@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: What's your phone number? *looks up from phone* Me: I don't have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker....
@marlespo: Twitter: Tell me I'm funny! Instagram: Tell me I'm pretty! Facebook: Tell me I have real friends! Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!
@J_Illunninati: I can't wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
@murrman5: "you're too polite" I am not [two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn't usually bark at strangers