@Cherbearxo: I promised my trainer that I'd set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there's a lunar eclipse I work out.
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@mompsychologist: 5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."
@EvilSchwartzie: The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.
@Jake_Vig: Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
@CornOnTheGoblin: me: [performing autopsy] so I've been practicing my ventriloquism assistant: now's not the time corpse: aw come on