*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I hate everything
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.