“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
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[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.