I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence