Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too