A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’