I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
You Might Also Like
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I have no passwords left in me
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL