@isabelzawtun: I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
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@dafloydsta: Me: You'll always be my girl. Daughter: Even if I break stuff? Me: Depends on which stuff.
@GrillinChillin9: Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it's called "rolling down the car window" when all you do is press a button.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Had to be a woman that coined the phrase "severance package." No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.