@isabelzawtun: I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
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@daemonic3: It's 4:20 do you know what that means?!? It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
@SleepingSuspect: Actual voice mail: "Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."
@causticbob: News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.