@isabelzawtun: I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
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@iGreenMonk: I'm so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!
@DomesticGoddss: Me: What's the suite number on that address? 8: It just says "Hashtag 301." Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I can't finish my lunch. I don't feel good. Me: OK, then no ice cream. 5-year-old: I'm sick, not dead.
@Dmvm1977: Whenever I'm feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits. Today I'm writing my bosses obituary.