I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
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Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My current situation
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
What’s a Messi?