I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.