@JennyJohnsonHi5: I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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@michaelianblack: Fun fact: The hip word "chillax" is a combination of the slang term "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
@slimmy_shady: As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.