I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”