@Ameiam: I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that's how I roll.
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@hdaniels_00: Tomorrow I'm going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
@UncleDuke1969: Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person? Me: ... H: ... M: ... H: Why are you hesitating? M: I'm not sure which answer will get me laid.
@jimmytorosian: Don't drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be "the dirty guy" and no one will have sex with you