I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.