I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.