I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Dead sexy!!
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”