I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long