I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
i wish i could marry a nap
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people