I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
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Proofread twice, hang posters once
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Netflix and you sit over there.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.