I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.