I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
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<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
i dont have time for this
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My kitchen overserved me.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl