me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
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What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.