@TheMichaelRock: I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.
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@mrjohndarby: Interviewer: So you say you think you'd make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that? Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
@lisaxy424: I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
@dmc1138: "How much to go into this haunted house?" "Sir, this is the Church of Scientology." "Ooh...Sounds scary! One ticket please!"
@MAB1013: Fair warning....if you talk while I am counting cups of flour for a recipe, I will stab you with the knife I'm using to level them off.