@TheMichaelRock: I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.
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@crunchenhancer: A 6'-6" guy doesn't scare me, but my 5'-1" wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
@SardonicTart: How to beat depression: 1) Talk to someone 2) When that person says "just cheer up," beat that person with a baseball bat.
@rpbateman: This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote "sexy" on all of his wife's friends' pics.