@TheMichaelRock: I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.
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@JUSTLisandra: Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons. Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders.. But never lemons.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already? ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it's a mystery I guess
@shutupmikeginn: My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
@Thynebear: [getting car jacked] umm i know i'm supposed to resist and all but if we don't cooperate we're both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in