I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
You Might Also Like
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet