I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…