one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I can fix him.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.