My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache