Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
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“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.