@Sadieisonfire: I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I'm getting the geniuses texting me
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@bourgeoisalien: when I hit 45 I'm going to start sleeping in a coffin. let's be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time. So what if it was the wrong song? There's never a bad time for "We Will Rock You."
@badbanana: If you tell me you're a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you're referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye's baby.