@Sadieisonfire: I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I'm getting the geniuses texting me
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@trentistweeting: "My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom." *cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do u do for a living?" Jewel thief. "Louder for the tape." [leans in] Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
@FattMernandez: Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
@BillDixonish: Every story about edible weed: 1. Not high. 2. Not high. 3. Still not high. 4. Not high. 5. Please drive me to the emergency room.