My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
thanksgiving in nutshell
beware of dog
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself