@Sadieisonfire: I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I'm getting the geniuses texting me
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@Sarcasticsapien: This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.
@FatherWithTwins: My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, "isn't my undying love & affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings. ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.