Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
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9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
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Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”