@moooooog35: I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn't catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
@myles_morrison: If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think "now it's their problem."
@IamEveryDayPpl: I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can't help eating it.
@BobTheSuit: Job interview with the NSA Applicant: Would you like references? NSA: We have everything we need. App: You guys! NSA: I know, right!