I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I think about this a lot
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I’d love this before and after shot…lol