I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. đ
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It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wallâ
Me: um, itâs fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My son is 6â2â and he just said loudly from another room âgod I can smell my feet from here and Iâm standing upâ so yes, I will be burning those shoes
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesnât make batteries .
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times Iâve had to call him this year and say âim fine but my car isnâtâ
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
him: thereâs been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* letâs start with the rich houses
Donât make me out nice you.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
“Your lifeguard rĂ©sumĂ© is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we canât find it anywhere. i hope i didnât eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I’d … I’d rather not.