I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.