*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”