I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
When can I start eating bats again.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
how to have an accident 101
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out