@gavinpivott: "I put my gear back in fourth." - Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.
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@Sarcasticsapien: I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don't know English when people wanna make small talk.
@onion_an: Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before? Me: No [nervous because it's my 1st interview] Me: But I used to be an embryo
@DaddyJew: Dad: I had a son once Stranger: what happened to him? D: he touched the thermostat Kid: dad, I'm like right here D: you hear something?
@hippieswordfish: it's easy as pie! 'what does that even mean?' *pie stumbles in drunk* pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge 'oh'