*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend