I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
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I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*