I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
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dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Merry Christmas
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
stop
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.