I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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get you a girl who
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please