I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
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Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Nothing to do, you say?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫