I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or