@HeidiCF8: I put my pants on like everyone else... As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.
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@DomBorrett: Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
@KindOfASmartass: I hate when you tell someone you're bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you're not quite that bored
@tastefactory: Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I'm trying to watch this with my mom
@Caissie: My son on the morning of his prom: "Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night."