You wish you had this many chins.
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INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.