OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
stand with me against insufficient seating
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
my nickname in college
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap