I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.