I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
You Might Also Like
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
looks legit
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car