I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15