@SondraDeeMe: I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
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@ANastyGorilla: If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
@Dawn_M_: "Women don't like me, idk why?" "Maybe it's because they sense you're a psycho who will decapitate their cat?" "No, that can't be it."
@ThisAlexStein: In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
@parkersJoking: Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking "Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"