@SondraDeeMe: I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
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@P0tterhead_394: My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.
@jctwritesstuff: [First day as pirate] *sword tip pokes me in back* *sighs* *walks plank* Me: Whatever, y'all are out of rum anyway. Him: You drank it all!
@MomOnFire: My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
@CakeThrottle: I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.