I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.