I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I was bored.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit