I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
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Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
The first matador
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.