You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
my favorite genre of twitter
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.