Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.