My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
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“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Fries, not lies.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.